October 20, 2000
San Francisco, CA

Hello to Everyone!

Wow! How does that sound? Crazy? I still can't believe how great everyone has been for me these past few weeks. I can't believe everything that has happened to me. Needless to say, I really wasn't ready for this. Who would have thought that I would have this "cancer" problem at age 27. Believe me, it really wasn't supposed to happen this way. I thought I would just have something easy, like vertigo. Anyone can handle vertigo, right?

I was in the emergency room when they told me that I had a tumor, and like I said before, I really didn't know what to do with that information. I was in complete denial. What else could I have been in? I thought, okay, I can make it through surgery. Surgery isn't so bad, right? We can do this. We'll call some folks who've been through it and try to prep ourselves so that we know more of what to expect.

What I didn't expect was to find out was that I have brain cancer. I know that probably sounds weird. Who has brain cancer at age 27? I know I wasn't ready for it. It all comes down to the tumor, which has been mostly removed from my brain at this point. According to the doctors, it has probably been there for five to 10 years. I'm going to say 10 years myself.

You see, I dreamt that I had this tumor when I was 17 years old. I know that's pretty hard to believe, but I really did have that dream. My sister remembers me calling her to tell her about it. I dreamt that my first teacher, who died of cancer, was still alive and that we were shaving our heads together. So here I've been doing it again, only in real life. My head looks like nothing I ever expected it to. I don't think I'll be shaving my head again any time soon. I'd already done it once before, but I think I've had it for now. Actually, I'm about to lose it again. But I'm not ready to admit that just yet.

The scariest part of all is that that there are still small fragments in my brain that need to be attacked aggressively with radiation and chemotherapy. So here I am, freaking out and getting scared again. Scared of what, I'm not really sure. I know that I will most likely die from this illness. The radiation and chemotherapy won't kill me. It's what still might be left in my brain after the treatment that may kill me. After surgery they came and told me that I still have material in my brain and that it comes on a scale of one through four. And my response was that it was a four. I was right about that part at least. So I have the fastest growing tumor there is and I don't know what more I can do about the whole thing. I've been trying very hard to live my life not thinking about it. My head is still sore from surgery and I have some other surgery issues that I'm trying really hard not to deal with. But I'm still planning on kicking some serious tumor ass in the next few months, and I don't care what will happen in the end. How can I care more than I do already? I've already decided to live the rest of my life the best way I can.

I want to tell everyone how great it has been to get emails, guest book sign-ins, phone calls and the like. I really had no idea how much I've touched people and how wonderful they really are for me. Know that everyone who's made an effort to contact me has really touched me in so many ways. I feel like everyone from elementary school, high school, Smith, and the various other jobs I've had have been amazing. Thank you to everyone.

Please know that this whole ordeal is not over, but that I'm trying my best to keep the faith and to keep on fighting it till it is over. I know I have about two more weeks before the rest of my treatment starts. I'm still scared. But I'm still fighting, and that's not going away. I love knowing that people want to come and visit me. Please do. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. So send me an email and let me know if you want to come and visit. I'd love to see everyone.

Again, thank you very much.

Lots of love always,


home * guest book * contribute * updates * in her own words * in memory * album * medical links